Two little mischiefs and preachure

Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

Beer drinker

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.

A Poetic Resignation Letter

Associate :
The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.
To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

Ex-Wife Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(? ), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions: 

A Small Story on Software engineers

A Junior Software engineer, a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"   "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

Indian and American

An Indian and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Indian, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

Young man and the Bulls

A young man wished to marry the farmer's beautiful daughter. He went to the farmer to ask his permission.

The farmer looked at him and said, "Son, go stand out in that field. I'm going to release three bulls, one at a time. If you can catch the tail of any one of the three bulls, you can marry my daughter."

if Unmarried girl is pregnant

Young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared??..She confides this ' news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

A very touching moment after 30 years meet

Year :	1975
Situation :	Last day of school

Bouquet of Roses

Always Rules Have Exception

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.


"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . ."


Moral :
Some rules cannot be followed.... Exceptions are always there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reduce Weight - Advertisement

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM, by sees an ad for a new gym Guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the First day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him Into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying

" If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races

back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym. Thzs time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine."

Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.


*Dad:* People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

*Mom*: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

*Son*: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

*Maid*: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

Humour in Law

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________________ ____________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Installing Husband

*A **woman writes to the** IT Technical support Guy*

Dear Tech Support*, **

Last year I upgraded from **Boyfriend 5.0** to **Husband 1.0** and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under **Boyfriend 5.0**.

In addition, **Husband 1.0** uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as ** Romance 9.5 *and *Personal Attention 6.5,* and then installed undesirableprograms such as * *NEWS 5.0,* **MONEY 3.0* and *CRICKET 4.1*.*

Conversation 8..0** no longer runs, and **Housecleaning 2.**6 **simply crashes the system.*

Please note that I have tried running *Nagging 5..3* to fix these problems, but to no avail. *

What can I do?

Signed, *
_______ _______ ______ _________ _________*




Reply**

DEAR Madam, **
First, keep in mind, **Boyfriend 5.0* is an Entertainment Package, while *Husband 1.0* is an operating system. *

Please enter command: **i thought you lovedme.. html
**and** **try to download

**Tears 6.2** and do not forget to install the **Guilt 3.0** update. *
If that application works as designed, *Husband1.0** *should then automatically run the applications *Jewellery 2.0* and *Flowers 3..5.. **

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause **Husband 1.0*

* to default to **Silence 2.5** or **Beer 6.1**. *

Please note that *Beer 6.1* is a very bad program that will download the *Snoring Loudly Beta. **

Whatever you do,**DO NOT*under any circumstances install *Mother-In-Law 1.0
*(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) *

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the **Boyfriend5.0**program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash **Husband 1.0**.

In summary, **Husband 1.0** is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: ** **Cooking 3.0* and * **Hot Looks 7.7. **

Good Luck Madam!*

Tutu Mon and Tintu Mol

Evergreen Lovers

To ,
Tintumol
UKG A.

Dear Tintumol,

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman

Funny Story of the Day...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest'. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him? 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'

She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall? and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, . . . "OH GOD!"

Pretty Girl looking for a Rich Husband

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to
move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1.	Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2.	Which age group should I target?
3.	Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4.	How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Thanks,
-Ms. Pretty

See the one of the Best Reply from J.P. Morgan C.E.O. below:

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of ‘beauty’ and 'money': Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later..

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

*Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me...*

Signed,
CEO
J.P. Morgan